21 Years Old#
Achievement unlocked: Spent the 21st revolution of this planet in the star system with carbon-based life forms on a blue planet on the edge of the third spiral arm.
To be honest, since I turned 20, my attitude towards my own birthday has changed from excitement to anxiety.
Before turning 20, I looked forward to growing up quickly and envisioning life outside, not wanting to be confined to the present. But starting at 20, after experiencing the outside world, the anxiety of work and feeling like I haven't achieved anything, I tried my best to do many things well, but the results were still unsatisfactory.
Anxiety is anxiety, what needs to happen will happen, and what needs to be done will still need to be done. After a little organization, I have accepted this state. Even though I may not have the same passion and energy as before, I still need to love the career I am engaged in, do what I need to do well, and cherish the people around me.
Knowing Myself#
I really like what Luo Zhenyu said: "Growth is when your ideal world meets the real world, falling into it is called setbacks, climbing out is called growth."
In the past, I often thought highly of myself, thinking that my life must be extraordinary, and even struggled with the idea of attending Tsinghua University or Peking University (now I can only look up to them). As I grew older, I slowly began to realize my limitations and various bottlenecks, and gradually understood my insignificance. However, this negative self-awareness caused me to lose some confidence and dare not easily try new things. I underestimated myself and approached certain things with a self-defeating attitude, thinking that I would never be able to do them well. As a result, I have also avoided certain things, and now I often regret it.
In World of Warcraft, if you fish in the wishing well in Dalaran, you will catch a lot of gold, silver, and copper coins, one of which is called "Antonidas' Silver Coin," which says: "Grant me the strength to accept what I cannot change; grant me the courage to change what I can; and grant me the wisdom to know the difference."
Actually, the key is the wisdom to discern the difference between the two. If I had that kind of wisdom that could tell me with absolute certainty that I can make a change in a certain matter, then I think I would have the confidence to give it my all. However, wisdom is abstract and there is no exact standard, so I think this wisdom can be replaced in another way - self-awareness.
Many things that didn't go as planned were actually due to a lack of correct self-awareness, awareness of work cycles, awareness of my own abilities, awareness of available resources... People often draw premature conclusions about something due to laziness, which saves them from the complexity of exploration, but often leads to wrong actions.
Having a clear self-awareness is difficult for me. I often waver because of others' evaluations and opinions. I don't have such a strong heart. The cold water poured by others, the words they think are not important, take me a long time to digest and recover. I am also very easily complacent. Any positive evaluation from others can make me feel elated. So when I do something that I am not completely confident about, I try to avoid letting others know. When there is no influence from others, I can have a clearer understanding of myself.
In the past 21 years, I have been gradually getting to know myself, reconciling with myself, and I hope this is also a kind of growth.
Be an Interesting Person#
I have always wanted to be a humorous and interesting person. I believe that being able to make others genuinely laugh is a great power.
But when I say humor, I don't mean the ability to pick up on jokes or use trendy internet phrases. For example, when someone is good at playing a game, they say they are "6"; when someone makes a long-range three-pointer, they say it's "6". Over time, the number 6 has become aesthetically fatiguing to me, and even this term has been overused in various contexts, resulting in a decline in the quality of the term or the joke.
What's even more frightening is that over time, I found that the number 6 has replaced many words that used to exist in my mind. When dealing with friends, the word 6 has become the first word that comes to mind, and praise is always "666". Undoubtedly, I lack the ability to think independently, which also leads to some of my true thoughts not being expressed.
Independent thinking and unique perspectives should be the premise of being interesting. I hope that I can observe the world and think with my own eyes.
Gratitude#
Although being 21 years old comes with many regrets, there are also many lovely people accompanying me, which makes me feel loved. Just this alone is enough to dispel the gloom. Thank you to my family and friends who have always been with me.
This year's birthday is Pokémon-themed!
Life is bright, everything is lovely, the world is worth it, and the future is promising.