If it weren't for the reminder in the email, I might not have noticed that I have been working for a year since leaving school.
Running#
Running around in circles, only to find that I'm just spinning in place. But even if I'm spinning in place, I dare not stop.
As an undergraduate student at a mediocre university in Guangzhou, it was a rare opportunity for me to enter a well-known company right after graduation, considering my mediocre academic qualifications and lack of internship experience at a big company. So a year ago, I cherished this hard-won opportunity.
At that time, my weekends were spent either coding at home or coding at Starbucks. I had been in Beijing for more than half a year but hadn't really explored the city. Even during the Mid-Autumn Festival holiday, I was working overtime at the company. The significant amount of effort I put in did bring me high returns. I successfully became a regular employee, received recognition from some colleagues, and later participated in some important projects.
But life and work are not short sprints, and sprinting too fast can exhaust a person. It has been over a year since I last relaxed in front of the computer, bought a cup of milk tea, sat in an air-conditioned room, and spent the whole day playing games without thinking about anything. I am anxious about my work and worried about the future. I often wonder what the significance of this job is for me. Cooperating with others' strategies and plans, implementing them, and seeing the fluctuation of data indicators on the dashboard, I can't feel any impact on the real world. Everything feels like a large-scale virtual game.
I feel like I have hit a bottleneck. I feel like I haven't figured out my future direction and the value I can create. But the pressure is pushing me forward, and I have to keep running, even if it turns out to be spinning in place. Yet, I still dare not stop.
Struggling#
If you want to live a creative life, like an artist, you can't often look back. No matter what you have done, what you were like before, you must willingly accept everything and leave it all behind.
The more the outside world tries to reinforce your image, the harder it is for you to continue being an artist. That's why many artists say, "Goodbye, I have to go, I'm going crazy, I have to leave." And then they leave, hiding somewhere. Maybe they will reappear later, becoming somewhat different.
If I hadn't messed up the college entrance examination and hadn't gone to the mediocre university I mentioned, I might not have met the group of senior brothers and sisters and friends who introduced me to programming. I might not have developed the habit of writing blogs and become a front-end developer. So experiences shape me, everything about me can be traced back, and these things gradually connect and feedback at some point in my future, which gives me a sense of destiny.
I feel that my present is a collection of my past, so the past is indeed important to me. But sometimes, especially when facing a bottleneck, I think I should forget about the past.
The world is always developing and changing rapidly, and my identity has also changed. Some of my past experiences or methods may have become outdated, and the goals I once valued may need to change as well. I think I need a periodic reset. Break free from previous thinking, and maybe I can look at things and problems from a better perspective.
Let go of my identity, let go of my experiences. When I have an empty mind, I can better understand myself.
Finally#
You see, Govinda, if you throw a stone into the water, it will find the shortest path to the bottom. Just as Siddhartha had a goal and made up his mind. Siddhartha did nothing, he waited, thought, fasted. He moved among the world of things as a stone sinks into the water — without effort, without struggle; he was guided by his goal, for he forbade anything to enter his soul that might interfere with it. This is what Siddhartha learned when he became a Samana. Fools call it magic. Fools think that it is done by demons. In fact, demons do nothing. Demons do not exist. Everyone can perform magic. Everyone can achieve their goal if they think, wait, and fast.
- Hermann Hesse, "Siddhartha"
In this restless society, perhaps maintaining a good mindset is the cornerstone of growth. Learn to think, wait, and fast.
Om.